Power and machine tools

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Can be used to spin Pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age, drilling holes that are not quite where you intended and on
Sunday afternoons breaking the last of that size drill you have in the box.

ANGLE GRINDER. An efficient way of applying molten steel droplets to your
car windshield, clothes and wood shavings. Can be used as an impromptu
surgical tool for removing hair from the chins of bearded men.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.

LATHE. The king of machine tools. If you have a lathe any of the
astoundingly stupid things one can do with other - indeed lesser - tools can
be better achieved with a lathe.

CHUCK KEY. A tool with stealth characteristics.

BENCH GRINDER: Often fitted with a grinding wheel on one end of the spindle
and a wire wheel on the other. The former makes a fine missile launcher in
itself. The latter is a means of cleaning rust off old parts and throwing
them across the workshop at a significant percentage of light speed. Also
efficient at removing fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes electricity produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact driver that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Homer, Alaska -  and rounds them off.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: More efficient than a propane torch. Will set light to
your workshop much more quickly. The bottles will also cause greater injury
and the fragments cover greater distances in the event of a serious fire.
 

Hand tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
at which a blow is aimed.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing
rare manuals, clothing and specially made gaskets.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and snap locking wire on the last half
turn.

SIDE CUTTERS. Inefficient pliers.

VISE-GRIPS - Used to round off bolt heads if pliers cannot
do a decent job.  If nothing else is  available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
SCREWDRIVER, flat blade: In its larger sizes, it may be used to cut through
steel sheet, open cans, drive through oil filters, lever heavy machines and
scrape off congealed lubrication products. Especially useful when used in
connection with a hammer. Can be used to tighten or loosen screws when new.

CROSS HEAD SCREWDRIVER: Frequently referred to as a Phillips Screwdriver,
there are three different forms of cross head screw, therefore ensuring that
whichever one you have to hand will be incorrect. Normally used to stab the
lids of old-style  paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. At a
pinch can be used to round off screw heads and as a motor-mount alignment aid.

STUD REMOVER:. A three foot length of two by four used to threaten young
men found to be in pursuit of your daughter.

STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool made from an alloy of carborundum and tungsten that
is ten times harder than any known drill bit. Most examples are specified to
snap off just below the level of the stud into which you screwed them.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

TIN SNIPS: Not very versatile; can normally only be used for cutting thin
metal sheet.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
½"  socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
Can be used to induce epilepsy in most higher mammals.

TROUBLE LIGHT:  The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a  drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in workshops.  Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,  say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark  than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.

CROW BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a part costing less than
10 cents.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground cables, wiring and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid
from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Useful for levering engines into small spaces.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering engines into smaller
space.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Good for calling for help.