X-Virus-Scanned: clean according to Sophos on Logan.com Return-Path: Received: from QMTA06.emeryville.ca.mail.comcast.net ([76.96.30.56] verified) by logan.com (CommuniGate Pro SMTP 5.2.13) with ESMTP id 3548607 for flyrotary@lancaironline.net; Sun, 15 Mar 2009 22:49:30 -0400 Received-SPF: none receiver=logan.com; client-ip=76.96.30.56; envelope-from=gregw@onestopdesign.biz Received: from OMTA03.emeryville.ca.mail.comcast.net ([76.96.30.27]) by QMTA06.emeryville.ca.mail.comcast.net with comcast id TRFN1b0020b6N64A6eovZE; Mon, 16 Mar 2009 02:48:55 +0000 Received: from osd1 ([24.6.40.29]) by OMTA03.emeryville.ca.mail.comcast.net with comcast id Teou1b0090dkeQQ8PeourP; Mon, 16 Mar 2009 02:48:55 +0000 Message-ID: From: "Greg Ward" To: "Rotary motors in aircraft" , "Lancair Mailing List" Subject: Humor: Tools Explained Date: Sun, 15 Mar 2009 19:54:12 -0700 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0142_01C9A5A7.D0021A50" X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2900.5512 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2900.5579 This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_0142_01C9A5A7.D0021A50 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable I think this is out of the A&E handbook. TOOLS EXPLAINED=20 DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat = metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and = flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project = which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. = WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under = the workbench with the speed of light. Al so removes fingerprints and = hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, = 'Oh sh -- '=20 ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their = holes until you die of old age.=20 SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.=20 PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of = blood-blisters.=20 BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor = touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.=20 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board = principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable = motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more=20 dismal your future becomes.=20 VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt = heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer = intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.=20 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable = objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside = the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.=20 TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood = projectiles for testing wall integrity.=20 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground = after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle = firmly under the bumper.=20 BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to = cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into = the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the = outside edge.=20 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of = everything you forgot to disconnect.=20 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids = or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on = your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out = Phillips screw heads.=20 STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to = convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering = your palms.=20 PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or = bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.=20 HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is = used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts = adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.=20 UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard = cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on = contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,=20 collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. = Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage = while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most = often, the next tool that you will need. ------=_NextPart_000_0142_01C9A5A7.D0021A50 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
 
I think this is out of the = A&E=20 handbook.

TOOLS=20 EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for = suddenly=20 snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you = in the=20 chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted = project=20 which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. =

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them = somewhere under=20 the workbench with the speed of light. Al so removes fingerprints and=20 hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, = 'Oh sh=20 -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets = in their=20 holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting = tool used=20 to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. = Sometimes=20 used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric = sanding=20 tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing = jobs.=20

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija = board=20 principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable = motion, and=20 the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your = future=20 becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely = round off=20 bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to = transfer=20 intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE = TORCH: Used=20 almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on = fire.=20 Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you = want to=20 remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool = commonly=20 used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. =

HYDRAULIC=20 FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have = installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under = the=20 bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by = most=20 shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily = fit into=20 the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the = outside=20 edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum = tensile=20 strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS = SCREWDRIVER:=20 Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening = old-style=20 paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be = used, as=20 the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT=20 SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert = common=20 slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. =

PRY=20 BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket = you=20 needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE = CUTTER: A tool=20 used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a = weapon of=20 war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the = most=20 expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. =

UTILITY=20 KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons=20 delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such = as seats,=20 vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, = refund=20 checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work = clothes,=20 but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab = and=20 throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your = lungs. It is=20 also, most often, the next tool that you will = need.

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